Monday, November 17, 2008

Google Searches That Make Ya Go Hmmmm...

There is no end to the wisdom and insight people seek on this blog. As always, I'm honored to be of help. Well, except for some of these people - you know who you are.

How many people use toilet paper to whip their buts? My guess is not many – can’t be all that effective.

Mommy Pelvic Floor Blog -- Taking niche blogging to the next level.

Why do hermit crabs croak – Umm… so they can get to hermit crab heaven?

Is it normal for an eight month old baby to be wearing three month old shoes – It’s not normal for any baby to be wearing any shoes - either that or I’m an even worse mother than I thought.

Scrapbooking 7 Deadly Sins – If this is the most interesting thing you have to scrapbook, you might want to find a new hobby.

You know god damn well who burned the house down – Excuse me, I don’t think I like your tone.

Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were? – Well… pretty much. You could also just watch that old Brad Pitt movie.

I can’t help it I think ur adorable -- Aww, thanks, I think you’re pretty special too.

Waiting for Extreme Makeover to call – I know I could use some help, but I was thinking something like an Oprah makeover would be sufficient, am I really THAT bad?

I married a ninja - Oh my gosh, does he do parties? My sons would be so impressed!

Obama the lord - I guess it kind of works in that Christmas hymn, “Oh come let us adore hi-i-im, O –baaaaaa---- maaaaaa the loooord!”

Cloth diapers are gross fanatics – I know it! And how about those plastic covers? Repulsive lunatics!

Immigrants and peanut butter – I hate to be controversial, but seriously folks, what if those people eat ALL the peanut butter, then what are we going to do?!

Little people in porn – Lord help us.

Can mom move in - Yes, please! Send her over, we’re in desperate need of a mom here.

What would my Mexican husband like for Valentines Day? – I didn’t know Valentine’s Day was ethno-specific, but I’ll take a stab and say that if he’s like most husbands he’d most like to skip Valentine’s Day.

Public breastfeed grope - All of this effort we’ve made to normalize breastfeeding as nature’s method of nourishing babies just doesn’t seem to be working does it.

love is never being saying I love you -- Well… I think you’re remembering Jenny from Love Story who said, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.” But FYI, she was full of shit - if you’re married surely you know love means always having to say you’re sorry.

How can I be a feminist and a Catholic – Well, it’s slightly easier than being a Libertarian and a Catholic. You just need the intestinal fortitude to piss the feminists off half the time and the Catholics the other half. Oh- and the courage to go to hell too - naturally. No biggie – it can be done.

Husband wants to be babied diapered plastic pants -- Uh… babied, sure, who doesn’t? Plastic pants? I suppose you could try to keep an open mind if he’s an otherwise good dude. But diapered? I’d be looking for an attorney.

Women shouldn’t cook – This is an interesting variation on the “women shouldn’t work” that I have made fun of in the past, but now this got me thinking… If we can’t work and can’t cook, all we need to do is start a “women shouldn’t clean” movement and we’re set! Think of the time we’ll have to blog and watch TV and read The New Yorker!

Hid the head – I can’t decide if this is amusing or terrifying.

My dad is married to a nut - How embarrassing, but aren’t those kids of mine precocious.

Tater tot nipples – You think that surely I make this shit up, but I’m telling you, I am not that funny, certainly not that bizarre.

Duggar Family Kit – You too can make your own Duggars in the privacy of your own home!

Big breast is best – Not when you’re the one who has to haul it around, thankyouverymuch.

Ectomorph college -- I suppose that's one way of narrowing down your post-secondary education options.

Agnostic parents + we stiking up for our kids if their being told about God when your not around -- I wholeheartedly support your right to tell your kids anything about God you wish, but please, for the love of Friedrich Nietzsche let someone else tell them about spelling and grammar.




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5 comments:

fudgelady said...

Hurrah -- "Google searches" lunacy is back! Always lots of fun.

But there should be a reader advisory: "Caution: This post is not to be read immediately following a large swig of any beverage, as this may cause irreparable damage to your keyboard."

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

I love when you do these posts! There sure are a lot of weirdos out there. I never get searches like these, is that good or bad?

Skye said...

I agree on the reader advisory, oh gosh this is exactly what I needed to improve my evening.

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Tiffi33 said...

dude.
THIS is funny stuff.
srsly.
Obama the Lord...hahahah....