Sunday, March 02, 2008

You Came Here Looking For What?!

Last month when I posted the pornographic searches I see on my stat counter I was conflicted, worrying that I’d be encouraging even more searches of that nature. But thankfully that didn’t happen. Well – there are a lot of searches lately for “enlightened vulvas” and “juicy vulvas,” but I suppose that’s to be expected on a website such as this.

Still there aren’t nearly as many people looking for juicy vulvas as there are people looking for the Duggars’ Tater Tot Casserole recipe. Seriously – I’d tell you how many, but you would NOT believe me. Unless you’re here looking for tater tot casserole, in which case, here is the least-gross recipe I could find.

Here are some other answers I have to offer internet searchers:

Why does my husband want pantyhose for Valentines Day? – Best case scenario, he wants to put them on his head and rob a bank. Otherwise, you’d probably rather not know. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, but if that were the case I’m guessing you wouldn’t be asking me.

The first gender reassignment surgery for inmates – Whew! Just when I thought we were going to run out of ways to spend taxpayers’ money.

I’m pregnant I want to whiten my butt – I’d like to help, but I’m not getting it. I’m experienced at the art of WIDENING one’s butt when pregnant, but whitening? Anyone?

You have bad opinion about me – It wasn’t me, I swear! And even if it was, I’m sure you’re quite lovely if I’d only take the time to get to know you – so try not to take it personally.

I think Eminem – If you say it several times fast it sounds a lot like “I think therefore I am” (which is debatable on both counts I know, but work with me here).

Does birth control correct flat nipples? -- In my experience, no. But breastfeeding does. Then again, given what pregnancy/breastfeeding does to the rest of the boob, take my word for it, you’ll be happier with the flat nipples.

My preschooler is too loud – Mine too. My elementary-schooler is worse. If you think it’s sad for kids these days that they can’t roam the neighborhood all day until dinner like we did in the seventies, just think how unfortunate it is for their parents.

Eminem why does mum go? -- Eminem, I know you’re reading baby, can you help us out here?

Wooden depressor gagged—I hate to admit that I don’t know everything, but, like what the hell are you talking about?

Ectomorph no shoulders – This is considered just one step above being an ectomorph with no neck.

Mother Teresa’s Husband and Children – Hmmm… I think she married one of the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene and then had 17 children in accordance with church teaching – I don’t know how she found the time…

Stories with no beginning, middle and ending – Hey, lighten up – it’s not easy to keep up with the frequency expectations of the blogging community!

Never marry a career woman bigger than you – Well – you can marry her, just don’t piss her off.

How to get a nice mom – Um, unless you’re googling this from Mormon Baby Heaven or something, I think you’re S.O.L.

Making magic with attitude – Oh my God, whoever you are, it’s me! Your soulmate!

Do my tits look big in this? – I can’t really tell from here, but there are these things called “mirrors” you could try looking into one of those.

Why do my childless friends think my kid gets sick too much – because sick kids kind of gross people out, doubly so when they’re somebody else’s.

Preschool for Dummies – Preschoolers are not dummies. They’re preschoolers, Dummy.

Why men don’t show off their cleavage – How can there possibly be someone who needs the answer to that?

Cocktails that don’t make you throw up – The secret to throw-up-prevention is quantity specific, not cocktail specific. Then again I’m pretty sure I can throw up just by being in the same room with Vodka, your mileage may vary.

Women shouldn’t work – I agree! If you’re the person with the “Universal Trust Fund For Women” please, speak up – we’ve all been waiting!

Skinny baby chubby – Is that a trick question?

Butt wiping – if you’re old enough to google this, you really really REALLY shouldn’t need instructions for it.

If you swear to god about something and you cross your fingers does it still count – Of course! So be careful – no finger crossing. Instead just follow up your lie with “Lord forgive me” then you’re all good.

Did Cindy Crawford use cloth diapers? -- Probably not often, but her staff might have.

Vegetarian frog legs – They taste JUST LIKE vegetarian chicken legs -- it's astounding!

Why one shouldn’t marry a man -- Well, how much time do you have?

Why men like dumb women – No, it’s idiots who like dumb women, not men.

He wants to pet on fifth date – (dramatic pause) Well, that’s not so bad, depending. I mean if he just wants to pet your cat, that wouldn’t really bode well for you, but otherwise I’d take it as a good sign.

Women who are too smart – I’m sure I am, but before you decide for yourself, I should disclose that most of the people who know me disagree.

What year did racism start? – Even if I could think of a response, surely it’s unnecessary.


Hannah said...

Just stumbled across this and laughed until I cried. Brilliant.

Amy in StL said...

Wow, that many different searches lead to your website? And I think I am happier with flat nipples than flat boobs. Thanks. (It wasn't my search, I swear!!!)

Daisy said...

Snort. This is hilarious! I haven't checked my stat counter in ages -- I think it's time to check the search references. :)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I think that it is lovely that you try to provide answers for these people. I usually just post mine and make fun of the pervs.

landismom said...

But I'd reeeeaaaaaalllly like to know the answer to the last one. Pretty please!

kevin said...

Don't you just ask yourself who the hell are these people whenever you come across a question like these? The porno ones are one thing, but it's these people who take the cake if you ask me. I once had Why does mummy make me go poo in the stall? Go figure.

Dorky Dad said...

So are you saying that I should stop Googleing butt wiping? Dang. I could use the help.

cce said...

ROFL and hey, when you find the person with their hand in the cookie jar, that Universal Trust Fund for women, please spread the wealth, I could use a cash infusion.
And I'm so installing google analytics b/c the search analysis is just hilarious.

Lisa said...

LMBO. Too funny. Sometimes i wonder what the heck people are ACTUALLY looking for when they use the google search. I've gotten some wierd hits on mine too!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

The Tater Tot Casserole thing is something I've been obsessing and joking about ever since a lady submitted that into our church cookbook a few years ago. All of her recipes were teh sucketh and I realized just exactly how and why her family was so friggin skinny!

On a sidenote I once saw a guy on ebay who was selling genuine Tater Tot Casserole farts contained in a Mason Jar. I'm totally serious about that. If I thought I could make money at it I'd become a professional Tater Tot Casserole Farter, too!

Anonymous said...

you have such interesting visitors! i feel sad and flat by comparison (but my arse is quite startlingly white).
what the hell is a tater tot?

slouching mom said...

these were GREAT.

and gagging on wooden (tongue) depressors? that's my son, whenever the doctor has to look down his throat.

just to clarify, LOL!

fudgelady said...


I'd ponder these deep thoughts all night, but I have to go whiten my butt... :-)

(P.S.: I'm probably happier not knowing what searches lead people to me!)

radical mama said...

OMG, people still use the word "petting"?

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