Last month when I posted the pornographic searches I see on my stat counter I was conflicted, worrying that I’d be encouraging even more searches of that nature. But thankfully that didn’t happen. Well – there are a lot of searches lately for “enlightened vulvas” and “juicy vulvas,” but I suppose that’s to be expected on a website such as this.
Still there aren’t nearly as many people looking for juicy vulvas as there are people looking for the Duggars’ Tater Tot Casserole recipe. Seriously – I’d tell you how many, but you would NOT believe me. Unless you’re here looking for tater tot casserole, in which case, here is the least-gross recipe I could find.
Here are some other answers I have to offer internet searchers:
Why does my husband want pantyhose for Valentines Day? – Best case scenario, he wants to put them on his head and rob a bank. Otherwise, you’d probably rather not know. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, but if that were the case I’m guessing you wouldn’t be asking me.
The first gender reassignment surgery for inmates – Whew! Just when I thought we were going to run out of ways to spend taxpayers’ money.
I’m pregnant I want to whiten my butt – I’d like to help, but I’m not getting it. I’m experienced at the art of WIDENING one’s butt when pregnant, but whitening? Anyone?
You have bad opinion about me – It wasn’t me, I swear! And even if it was, I’m sure you’re quite lovely if I’d only take the time to get to know you – so try not to take it personally.
I think Eminem – If you say it several times fast it sounds a lot like “I think therefore I am” (which is debatable on both counts I know, but work with me here).
Does birth control correct flat nipples? -- In my experience, no. But breastfeeding does. Then again, given what pregnancy/breastfeeding does to the rest of the boob, take my word for it, you’ll be happier with the flat nipples.
My preschooler is too loud – Mine too. My elementary-schooler is worse. If you think it’s sad for kids these days that they can’t roam the neighborhood all day until dinner like we did in the seventies, just think how unfortunate it is for their parents.
Eminem why does mum go? -- Eminem, I know you’re reading baby, can you help us out here?
Wooden depressor gagged—I hate to admit that I don’t know everything, but, like what the hell are you talking about?
Ectomorph no shoulders – This is considered just one step above being an ectomorph with no neck.
Mother Teresa’s Husband and Children – Hmmm… I think she married one of the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene and then had 17 children in accordance with church teaching – I don’t know how she found the time…
Stories with no beginning, middle and ending – Hey, lighten up – it’s not easy to keep up with the frequency expectations of the blogging community!
Never marry a career woman bigger than you – Well – you can marry her, just don’t piss her off.
How to get a nice mom – Um, unless you’re googling this from Mormon Baby Heaven or something, I think you’re S.O.L.
Making magic with attitude – Oh my God, whoever you are, it’s me! Your soulmate!
Do my tits look big in this? – I can’t really tell from here, but there are these things called “mirrors” you could try looking into one of those.
Why do my childless friends think my kid gets sick too much – because sick kids kind of gross people out, doubly so when they’re somebody else’s.
Preschool for Dummies – Preschoolers are not dummies. They’re preschoolers, Dummy.
Why men don’t show off their cleavage – How can there possibly be someone who needs the answer to that?
Cocktails that don’t make you throw up – The secret to throw-up-prevention is quantity specific, not cocktail specific. Then again I’m pretty sure I can throw up just by being in the same room with Vodka, your mileage may vary.
Women shouldn’t work – I agree! If you’re the person with the “Universal Trust Fund For Women” please, speak up – we’ve all been waiting!
Skinny baby chubby – Is that a trick question?
Butt wiping – if you’re old enough to google this, you really really REALLY shouldn’t need instructions for it.
If you swear to god about something and you cross your fingers does it still count – Of course! So be careful – no finger crossing. Instead just follow up your lie with “Lord forgive me” then you’re all good.
Did Cindy Crawford use cloth diapers? -- Probably not often, but her staff might have.
Vegetarian frog legs – They taste JUST LIKE vegetarian chicken legs -- it's astounding!
Why one shouldn’t marry a man -- Well, how much time do you have?
Why men like dumb women – No, it’s idiots who like dumb women, not men.
He wants to pet on fifth date – (dramatic pause) Well, that’s not so bad, depending. I mean if he just wants to pet your cat, that wouldn’t really bode well for you, but otherwise I’d take it as a good sign.
Women who are too smart – I’m sure I am, but before you decide for yourself, I should disclose that most of the people who know me disagree.
What year did racism start? – Even if I could think of a response, surely it’s unnecessary.