Sunday, January 06, 2008

Things People Google: Porn Edition

*WARNING: This post contains adult content, but it’s not my fault – I’m just reporting the facts. I’m not even kidding.*
The most useful thing I’ve learned from blogging is that a lot, and I mean a lot of people Google things that would appear to be searching for porn. I had no idea that internet porn was really that popular –mostly I thought it was just something people joked about. But oh my God, it is that popular! Most of the hits I get are related to either the MILF concept or people looking to get spanked. Since little is more pitiful than having to Google for sex, as a public service I’d like to offer my advice to these people.


WHO NEEDS A SPANKING?:

Women who pay for a spanking - Hmmm – I think this is one of those male fantasies that doesn’t actually occur in nature, along the lines of, say, being gang raped by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. If a woman really wants a spanking she can probably find more than several someones who will give it to her for free. Sorry guys.

Whip my husband – Yeah, not my thing. But thanks for the offer.

Superhero spanking month – Finally! After all their years of giving back to the community, the superhero spankers are going to get the recognition they deserve! Or are the superheroes going to get the spanking they deserve?

English Chinese spanking – Because a bilingual spanking hurts that-much-more so good.

Petticoated and punished at work – Um, don’t do anything hasty, but perhaps consider looking for a new job.

Wife spanking apron – I’m trying to envision the support group for this. Does he say, “Hi, I’m Bob and I like to watch my wife spank her apron,” or “Hi, I’m Bob and I can only spank my wife if I’m wearing my special apron?”


MOTHERHOOD IS JUST SMOKIN’ HOT!:
Sexy breastfeeding – Well, it wasn’t at my house, but I suppose your mileage may vary.

Hot pregnant women fucking hard while giving birth -- Now either someone needs a biology lesson or I’m just not adequately thinking outside the porn box here, but seriously????

Women are best body types droopy tits -- Yes! I am quite certain that droopy tits are the essential component of the best body type there is. Who’s with me?

Mommy sex – “Sure, I guess. But hurry up, and if you wake the baby I’ll kill you.”

Blow me mommy – When you phrase it that way, it’s awfully tempting, but I’m afraid my husband frowns on that sort of thing, so you’ll have to work your wicked charm on someone else.

Matronly sexy women – I had to consult Dictionary.com on this one, because the word “matronly” for me conjures an image of someone who’s old, large, uptight, sour and mean. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I’m just trying to put that combination together with “sexy” and it’s not happening for me. But lo and behold “matron” also means “A woman who acts as a supervisor or monitor in a public institution such as a school, hospital or prison.” So now I get it. Maybe. Sort of. Or maybe not really.

Spanking mommies looking for bad boy – I think that one was Dick Cheney.


YOUR BASIC RUN OF THE MILL HO HUM VARIETY:

Google my tits – You really have to be a special brand of “I’m so twenty-first century” if you can’t even locate your own tits without Google assistance.

Chinese vulvas – Quite fine, I’m sure, but not necessary. Vulvas speak a universal language baby.

How to occupy kids so you can have sex – Lock yourselves in a bathroom or closet and get down to business as quickly and as quietly as you can. If the kids bang on the door (and they will) have your husband yell, “I’m just helping Mommy fix something in here – we’ll be out in a minute. Maybe two, now that you’ve thwarted our concentration.” If you prefer a more leisurely format, the early-bedtimes-and-unlimited-weekend-television model works pretty well too. A combination of the above is particularly nice as variety is the spice of life, as they say.


NOT PORNOGRAPHIC BUT EQUALLY PATHETIC:
I need a woman to marry now -- Well, that’s slightly beyond the scope of this blog, but for starters, maybe step away from Google and get a life.

Does everybody need friends? -- Nah! Who needs friends when a virtual spanking is just a click away?

12 comments:

landismom said...

I have to say that, even beyond the porn googling, I have been amazed by the diversity and persistence of porn spam that I get. How many versions of "see (famous star of the week)'s vayjayjay" can one man/woman/other need?

SUEB0B said...

I'm always scratching my head at these. Or sometimes throwing up a little.

MOMKISS2U said...

OMG you are halarious. Just last night I got some pop up of fist f&%(*$- I never heard of such a thing-disgusting and got it while in safe mode!

Musings of a Manic Mom said...

omg that was absolutely hysterical. Okay, well the google searches were ab ti pathetic, but your comments were priceless!!
Thanks for the laugh!

fudgelady said...

LOL! A truly classic post -- and the "mommy sex" comment should be a T-shirt on cafepress!

I never get the really juicy porn spam -- just the offers to give me male enhancement. :-(

Mommy Brain said...

Thanks for the laugh!

You know what's even crazier? Google these things yourself then realize that the searcher would have to click through pages of links before arriving at your blog. Scary the time people have.

Mary Alice said...

These people are shopping at our stores and touching the tomatoes. Wash everything.

Deb said...

This is great. I always figure those folks must be soo disappointed when they get to my site and find there is no "pix chocolate eclair inserting Marcia Brady."

Kit said...

Early bedtimes and unlimited weekend television....that's a good working formula in our house too!

kevin said...

Just yesterday someone found me by googling "Jason Bateman nude." I almost feel sorry for these types. How disappointed they must be when they discover my blog offers no such eye candy.

I did recently see Jason Bateman in the movie Smokin' Aces and his character at one point wears a g-string bikini bottom and ill-fitting bra. Let me tell you, that kid who guest-starred on Silver Spoons did not age well.

Boudicca said...

I am always amazed at the odd keywords that bring people to my blog. I can't believe the amount of people who Google "Pisces whores" and end up at my blog.Yes, I have a whole post about Pisces being the whore of the zodiac but how was I supposed to know so many other people thought the very same thing?! :P

radical mama said...

Petticoated and punished at work? What does that even mean? People are so amusing!