Sunday, November 18, 2007

Things We Can Learn From Google (Part 1)

Why my husband is worthy of being addressed as "chief " – He’s not. He just believes he's worthy since he has a penis and you don’t. Try googling Lorena Bobbitt to get some ideas on how to remedy that.

What would we do if Tony Blair was a woman – Gosh, I don’t know, but surely we’d have to do something! Maybe we could give him a burqa and George Bush could take him as his second wife? (Seriously though, who is contemplating such a dilemma, and why? Has Tony expressed an interest in gender reassignment surgery and I hadn’t heard?)

Spanking Santa -- No pithy advice, but this is a common search. You can't believe how many people out there want to spank Santa. What's that handbasket saying again?

Best career for immature young men with ADD -- Hhmmm... probably rock star. If he fails at that, politician is a good second choice.

I hate career women – Yeah, can’t they just get a husband already?!

Career women don’t want children – Of course not. Because women are one-dimensional and entirely uncomplicated.

Why men marry crazy women – I can’t speak for all men, but my husband says he married me after he’d only known me for a year. By the time he figured out I’m crazy, it was too late.

Wemon who like a old fashion spanking – I could maybe get down with the spanking, but poor spelling and grammar is a deal breaker. Sorry.

Eminem is cute – Thank you sister, I knew I wasn’t alone!

Disgruntled stay at home moms – Actually now I’m a disgruntled working mom, please update your records.

What saint do you pray to to buy a house – To sell a house you have to bury St. Anthony upside down in your front yard (Non-Catholics I’m totally not making this up!), but to buy a house I think any ol’ saint will do.

Ectomorph sex – It’s pretty much like having sex with an endomorph – maybe a little less cushy.

I married a redneck help -- What you need is a gun or two.

Best breast ever – I’m not sure how my breast turned up in this search, but I’m sorry for the disappointment that must have caused someone.

Fantasy housewife – In addition to my blog, the googler of this will find numerous links to “ear porn” – not that there’s anything wrong with that, just FYI.

Jersey cow breastfeeding – Well I may not be the "best breast ever," but I'm surely not as bad as all that.

Tired of hippies telling to breastfeed - Damn hippies – always telling everybody what to do!

Why does everyone want kids? -- They don’t. What everyone wants is something else entirely and sometimes kids show up as a result of it.

Saying no to washer & dryer -- Good for you! Everyone knows they’re just the gateway appliances.

Proper way to kill Dungeness crab – First, you need a non-Kosher Rabbi, who will carefully slice through the carotid artery while whispering, “Nice crab, there there, it’s okay,” so as to minimize trauma and suffering to the crab. Then the blood has to be drained, at which point it can be cooked and eaten by someone who doesn’t observe the laws of kosher eating – because crabs are unclean. But if that’s all too much of a hassle, you can just toss it into a pot of boiling water after the kids are done playing with it and your husband says, “I think the poor crab has been scared long enough, we'd better eat him.”

Cultural dilemmas on eating and feeding a 3 month old baby -- I can’t speak for everyone everywhere, but rule of thumb in American culture: Feeding a 3 month old baby = good; Eating a 3 month old baby = not good.

Sandy d. + stockings - What have you been up to Sandy D?

Portland, Oregon pantyhose lovers – Is there like a support group for this or something? I’m always the last to know these things.

I do the work and you pay me job – Yes, I believe that’s the standard arrangement, though if you can get a job where someone pays you to not do the work, that couldn’t be all bad either.

Celebrity orgasm – When a regular ol’ orgasm just won’t do.

Do cartoon appreciate diverse people – I’m not sure, but I hope for your sake it at least appreciates a loose definition of the English language.

My husband is a TV slut – Count your blessings. At least he's not spanking Santa.

My best friend milks my tits – Now I can’t even imagine why my site comes up when this is googled, but at least I’m in good company as these fine people also come up.

Training husband to pick up after himself – Usually I’m one of those annoying people who says, “I don’t know that word ‘I can’t.” But in this case, trust me when I say, it CAN’T be done. Sorry.

Why am I mothering my husband? - I don’t know, but you should really stop that – it’s kind of icky.

Sexual harassment buttcrack -- I’m stumped, can anyone help a wayward googler out?


FeeFiFoto said...

Too darn funny!

Mary Tsao said...

Tee hee. No, but really, why am I mothering my husband?

dana said...

My name comes up for that? Holy cannoli. That's kind of strange. Heh.

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

I commented yesterday, but must have screwed it up!

This was hilarious - I wish I had such interesting google hits. My favorite is "Wemon who like a old fashion spanking" *snort* There sure are lots of weirdos out there!!

Posh Mama said...

Oh Staci, Thank you thank you thank you! You had me laughing out loud on this one! So many to choose from but sexual harassment buttcrack is too funny! If you find out what it means, please let me know! Much love, xoxo--pm

Anjali said...

Love it! I still don't know how to do this for my own blog...But now I'm really curious!

landismom said...


radical mama said...

Can't wait for part 2! That was hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, how hilarious! LOLOL! I'll have to do a list like this soon -- it's been a while. :-D