Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Why We Don't Have a Dog

I don’t care for animals. I’m sorry, I know that’s not a very endearing characteristic in a person, but – well – I just don’t care for animals all that much. I don’t kick them or anything, and I do buy grossly over-priced meat to support farmers who treat their animals humanely, however. So see, I’m not so bad – but I don’t really want an animal to clean up after in my home. Unfortunately, my kids really do, and I don’t want to be a bad mom.

So one day J said he wanted a hermit crab (what could be easier?!) and I exclaimed, “Oh that would be great pet – let’s get one today!”

And we did, but after about two days the kids discovered that all hermit crabs really do is sit there -- and pinch their fingers when they try to play with them. They were not impressed. And then somehow they got it in their heads that they needed a tarantula. My husband shook his head saying, “The only thing that could possibly be a worse pet then that hermit crab is a tarantula – what is wrong with those two?”
So the hermit crab now lives on top of the fridge where no one notices him except my husband, who dutifully feeds and waters him. And (here’s the part where everyone hates me) I don’t understand why we can’t just get rid of the dumb thing. If it were a Dungeness crab or a Softshell crab or a lobster, my husband would toss it into a pot of boiling water with nary a tear. “Well, that’s different,” he said, “that’s for a purpose! So we can eat them!”

But hello?! The end result is the same. I wondered how he can feel sorry for this dumb thing when he’ll eat a far more complex being – like a cow, for instance. He even likes to hunt (Lord Help Me) and so I’m like, “You’ll shoot Bambi for Gods sake, but you won’t drop this brainless little creature into a pot of boiling water?”

“That’s different,” he insisted, “If I shoot Bambi, we’ll eat him. He’s not our pet. This is an innocent, helpless creature that we brought into our home! What is wrong with you?!”

And I cracked up, all the while hugging him saying, “Oh my God you are such a big softie!”

And he said, “I am not a softie - I’ll tell you what - if you’ll eat the meat out of his pincers, I’ll boil him.”

I said, “Eewwww! Yuck! I will not! But, you know – J probably would!”

“You’re sick Honey,” he answered, “and I’m going to feed that stupid crab and give him fresh water until he croaks. So just drop it – he’s not hurting you up there on top of the fridge. We made a commitment to him – it’s not nice to just kill him because we don’t want him anymore.”

“I see – you didn’t make a commitment to those crawdads?” I asked.

“No,” he smirked, “those crawdads are like Al Quaeda to me.”

Besides, I guess, we did eat them.
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8 comments:

Melissa said...

Set it free. If he loves the hermit crab, he should set it free. Preferably not in the backyard or anywhere close enough that it might find its way home.

Lauri said...

When I was 3, I remember that I had a dog named Gidget, she was so wonderful, loving, sweet, protective, and smart.
I don't remember what color our carpet was or if it was stained, I don't remember our sofa or car, I have no idea if our home was clean...but I will never forget Gidget.

Ty said...

I found your blog through the Blogger Chicks blogroll, I just joined.

And I hate to tell you but I had a hermit crab that lived for 4 years.

Maybe you could see if another family would live to have it or something.

daysgoby said...

Homeroom pet?

Ask the science teacher.

Pendullum said...

I think your hasband has grown attached to your family's pet...
My husband's sister got hung up on a 'pet cactus'....

cce said...

I am so envious of your nearly pet free home. With one dog, two cats and two fish (not to mention 2 kids) I'm always mopping up someone's bodily functions. Be thankful your pet is contained. My oldest feline drools on our silk duvet cover!

crazymumma said...

how about turning it into a classroom pet?

About Me said...

Hey, I've kept hermies for 17 years. I lost the first four due to not having good info. on what to do. Now, some of mine are more than ten years old! Send your hubby to the Crab Street Journal website where he can learn more about hermie care, or he find a loving home...for the hermie, that is!