Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Pressing Questions on the Minds of Googlers

Matronly Breasts -- I can not believe how many people arrive at my site by googling this. Generally speaking, I'm plastic surgery averse, but I can’t help wondering if the universe is trying to tell me something here. Seriously though, as much as I complain about my boobs, I must say, they look fabulous compared to Sharon Stone’s.

Crazy Duggar Family – A hundred years ago I wrote a little post about these people and I still get comments on it -- I think they're going to overtake Britney Spears as the most googled celebrity.

Classes on How to be a Housewife From the 1950’s -- I will be offering these to all who qualify. Must have a working knowledge of pot roast preparation and a clean, white apron. And for the love of God, don’t forget your pantyhose. (But seriously, am I the only one who's disturbed that someone is googling for these?!)

Advantages of Being a Housewife – Not sure – I’m mostly here for the bon bons, however.

Eating Dairy Wrong -- Just don't cook the baby goat in its mother's milk -- otherwise you're golden.

Singing Farting Snowman -- Mother, if you are reading, the kids do not need one of these for Christmas next year! Please!

When Your Husband Wants to Breastfeed – My best advice is to get a new husband. Really, this sounds problematic beyond repair.

Can Baby Einstein Make Your Child Smarter? -- No, but it can make his mama happier.

My Sex Teacher and Mom.com -- Um, excuse me?

Profound Recommendations -- Sorry to disappoint, profundity is not in my contract here.

Obesity Nothing to do with Calories – Right. What you need is “The Secret” -- as seen on Oprah!

Is the Mother the Most Influential Person in a Child's Life? -- After Elmo, yes.

Erma Bombeck Laundry Tips – Don’t let it pile up past your eyeballs?

What does it mean when you hear you did a good job raising her? -- It means that for the moment no one can find anything to criticize.

Bizarre Discipline Methods -- Once I was at the park and observed a dad say to his son, "You disobeyed me, what do you want your punishment to be?" Bizarre.

Three Basic Food Groups -- Chocolate, cheese, beer/wine -- in that order, pretty much.

How to Tell Nutrition Fads – If it asserts “obesity has nothing to do with calories,” that’s a good indication.

Proper Way Diapering -- If nothing comes out, you did a bang-up job.

What Brain Developments Happen in a Genius? – Same as happen in everyone else, except geniuses get like rilly rilly smart & stuff.

Dairy Fattening or Not? -- Depends largely on quantity consumed – see “obesity and calories” above.

Food Groups Represented by a Chip -- Fats and carbs. Unless you're pregnant or it's "that time of the month," in which case they're solidly in the vegetable group.

Style in Growing an American Child --- I really can’t be the best person to ask – Sadly, my mother and girlfriends can all attest to this.

How to Get Relatives to Respect Your Parenting Style -- As far as I can tell, you just have to suck it up until your kids put themselves through Harvard Medical School with the income they receive from starring in the NBA. Nobody will dare call you a bad parent then!

Thanks to Mothers Who Drugged Us Poems -- Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Thanks for the Quaaludes, I Love You!

Sexy Better with Age Moms -- Hey, we like to think so anyway.

How to Handle a Woman's Mouthy Attitude -- My husband, the authority, voted for Tequila. Earplugs were a close second.

Are Cribs Aesthetically Pleasing in a Montessori Environment? -- No they are not! In fact, in some circles they are known as "baby cages." Don’t say I never told you anything useful.

“Working Mom” “Useless Husband” -- Wrong website -- this one is closer to “working dad” “useless wife”

Veggie Liver Sausage --- What? Plain ol’ liver sausage isn’t gross enough????

Santa’s Spanking Mommy – So is Santa spanking Mommy or is Santa in possession of a Spanking Mommy? Too many variables here – sorry.

What Does Exercise in Futility Mean? – a) Arguing with a preschooler or b) Cleaning the floor underneath the kitchen table where toddlers eat three to six times per day

Don’t Make Mommy Cry -- Ooops! Too late.

How to be a Good Parent Essay – If only I knew!

Housewives Craving Intelligent Conversation – It’s not that the conversation here is “unintelligent,” but rather that often I tire of conversing about chimpanzees, dinosaurs and rockets. Thankyouverymuch.

Mommy Sin Stockings -- I'm stumped. Can anyone help me out on this one?


Sandy D. said...

Hm. Maybe "Mommy Sin Stockings" was googled by the same guy that recently searched for "sex fantasy housewife" and "petticoated husbands" on my blog (and what a disappointment I must have been).

Most of mine have been rather mundane (or actually relevant to the content!), but I did enjoy "glue gun Bangalore" "what is schlopp", "flying beagle", and "useful time spending for housewife".

Mom101 said...

Wait, chips don't count as veggies. Dammit. Why couldn't some have told me this 30 pounds ago.

You get such fun searches. Sadly, most of mine are for "36DDDD moms"

cce said...

As for Matronly breasts, yikes, it can happen to the best of us. For further edification on this natural phenomenon please see a very detailed comment to my post: "Things I miss after 9 years of marriage and 2 kids" at http://www.madmarriage.com. Hilarious,

Oh, The Joys said...

Please post a photo of your sin stockings. I think you're holding back.

Kit said...

I was watching The Secret and I don't know about eating without calories but my children are now confidently trying to manifest a whole menagerie of pets - ponies to parrots. My advice is don't let yours near it until they are past the animal stage!

Jill said...

This is why I have to add a site meter on my blog.

I'd love to see the guy behind the query about how to handle a "mouthy" woman.

Anjali said...

I don't know what the hell they are, but I do know that I could really use some "Sin Stockings" right about now. Maybe you could create some and sell them on your website?

mad muthas said...

i recently got a googlie for 'the wrinkliest tits ever' - and my blog came top! (who's been spying on me, i'd like to know).
doesn't seem to work any more, sadly but i was very proud for a while ... i think.

mad muthas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
blue milk said...

I came up when someone googled "sexy women doing milk feeding". To which I thought, I think the term you're looking for is "breast-feeding" - "sexy women breast-feeding". But whatev.

They're very revealing these search term stats hey? I particularly enjoyed yours. By the way, I came here for your feminism and motherhood, your sin stockings were just a bonus.