Saturday, July 15, 2006

Search Engine Humor

I had every intention of posting my views on the so-called “mommy wars,” the “rules” for being a feminist and my views on Linda Hirshman’s ideas. But then I realized that it’s a 5,400 word document, and I just couldn’t do that to you. So I’m working on breaking it up into smaller chunks. In the meantime let me butter you up with some humor in hopes that you’ll humor me by coming back to read all of my ranting as I get it posted. Here are answers to the burning questions that people have googled to arrive at my website:

rich housewives complain – Not unless I win the lottery tonight… keep your fingers crossed.

feeding my kids cereal with sugar --- Sounds good to me!

eat nothing but flour -- Um… I’m disturbed that there’s a person out there who’s even contemplating the possibility that this is a good idea.

rotten mothers --- Again with this? I told you last time, we’re doing the best we can!

meat eating depression --- Top off the meat with some chocolate… it helps, really.

politically correct title for stay at home mom -- I’m fond of “Queen Bee” personally.

humorous reasons to keep your husband at home --- Que? No entiendo.

fat police eating -- How dare they!

women have a mothering instinct -- Well… let’s hope, lest we go the way of the dinosaurs.

alfie kohn is crazy --- And how!

mama spanks --- Only when she’s not at the top of her game… and she’s sorry. Really.

linda hirshman and dr. laura --- Quick, someone gouge my eyes out, I can’t take it!

why is society so judgemental? --- It’s human nature, grasshopper.

distinguish between fats and wax – -- Could this really be that confusing to someone?

is it okay to eat as much fruit as i want --- Sure, so long as you have lavatory access.

fun with staci --- You know this had to be someone who knows me and overheard at a party that I have a website, but they were too drunk to remember what I said it was about.

amazon woman --- Hey, five years of pregnancy/lactation after thirty takes its toll on a girl. Be kind, I’m working on it.

rock&roll stay at home moms --- Imagine this person’s disappointment at finding me.

where do herbivores get carbohydrates from --I think perhaps someone needs a good dictionary.

it is good for children to see mom having a fulfilled life ---I suppose… with assorted caveats, of course.

dr. laura's advice on whether to stay home with your children --- Hmmm, she’s so evasive on that issue, it’s hard to tell what she really thinks about it.

guestbook looking for a publisher –-- Yes! It’s me, it’s me! Please call!

schoff economics --Doesn’t this have a nice ring to it? Infinitely better than “reaganomics” if I do say so myself. Too bad the only thing I remember about Economics is a hot T.A. pointing to a graph and saying, “You see, as your income increases, your demand for Ramen Noodles decreases.” Oh and my other qualification is that I’m in love with Alan Greenspan, does that help my academic credibility at all? No? Okay, moving along then...

what if i ate bad lettuce during pregnancy? --- Just wash it down with several shots of vodka.

why some nursery rhymes are politically incorrect --- If this doesn’t fall under the category “self-explanatory” I don’t know what does.

oldest child ever to breastfeed --- My children were not the oldest children ever to breastfeed… I don’t care what my mother told you.

is feminism contrary to motherhood -- Sometimes, but we’re workin’ on it sister.

sponge bob mother knows best -- I’m only moderately surprised, actually.

stepford discipline --- I’m clueless here.

nosy mothering ---- It’s a bad bad thing. Try to avoid it.

women who are petty --- I know you’re not talking to me, mister.

tips to be a good housewife for your man –-- My husband probably wishes I knew some of these… sorry Honey.

samples of feminism poems --- I may or may not have some of those laying around somewhere, but in either case, they will not be available for public consumption. Ever. And be glad for that.

i wanna eat your grandma -- I don’t even want to know where this searcher ultimately ended up.

my husband is complaining endlessly -Sorry, I’m no help, around here that’s my job.

who are the meat eaters among the u.s. police? --- Is this part of PETA’s ongoing investigation?

things to eat for a herbivore --- Grass, hay, shrubs and leaves. Ruminate for best results. Should you need to fatten yourself up for market in a hurry, add corn, soybeans, oats and growth hormone as needed.

pregnant accidentally ate lunch meat – Oh my god, you didn’t, you clueless whore!

be careful about reading health books. you may die of a misprint --–I only wish I were so clever… these are the immortal words of my hero Mark Twain, whose shoes I’m not fit to tie.

is liver sausage bad for dogs --- Nah… couldn’t be… I was practically raised on the stuff and look how big and strong I turned out.

feminist child raising --- Linda Hirshman regrets to inform you that real feminists don’t lower themselves to the mind-numbing task of child raising, Silly!

principles of feminism --- see above!

julie andrews political life --- Julie Andrews had a “political life”? Huh.

What’s an expecting mother supposed to eat –-- Nothing! And don’t drink anything either because someone somewhere has proven that anything you might think of ingesting will cause irreparable harm to the developing baby. If you can help it, try not to breathe our polluted air either.


Kate said...

Today's best hit on my blog: "Sexually active grannies in Hawaii".

You've got some awesome search phrases there!

PunditMom said...

Wow! I think some of these people need to get more of a life! And let's be done with Linda Hirshman and all that Mommy Wars stuff ... we have other, more pressing, things to deal with -- like whether we'll make it through the day until dinner and that our editors won't find out we're not working on our pieces on deadline!

Suburban Turmoil said...

You crack me up with the lunch meat one! I laughed out loud. I so remember being worried about everything on the questionable list when I was pregnant the first time. If I get pregnant again, I definitely will not be so clueless!

Pendullum said...

I wanna eat your grandmother????
Julie andrews political views?
Like the bad lettuce and wash it down with vodka...
You made me smile...
and now I am going to wonder aloud all day... Julie Andrews has political views???

Undercover Angel said...

LOL! Those are hilarious! It's amazing what people will search for. It makes you wonder what the expressions on their faces were when they wound up on our blogs.

Jill said...

Alright, I confess - "Distinguish between fats and wax was me." I just can't figure it out! Can you help Mommy With Attitude?

Mary Tsao said...

So funny! I guess I can get over not getting to read about Ms. H and the mommy wars for one more day...

Thanks for the chuckle!

Mom101 said...

So you think someone actually ate a fat policeman?

Food Mum said...

My funniest so far was - making a home-made bomb out of vinegar and self-raising flour...I'm afraid I wasn't much help on that, Anybody know how?

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

"I wanna eat your grandma"



Her Bad Mother said...

OMG this is the best contribution to Mommy Wars that I've read. Julie Andrews? Dr. Laura? SpongeBob Squarepant's Mom?

THERE'S a political panel.


kevin said...

I don't know why but finding the evidence of these lost souls in cyberspace has become my new crack. It is the first thing I do whenever I pull up my own blog. At the office I will motion for coworkers to come stare over my shoulder with the hopes that they will read with the same amazement I have. Usually though they simply give me the courtesy guffaw, as though somehow they've already said no to cyber crack. Sad.

I just realized I typed "become my new crack." I wonder how long it will take before someone stumbles across your blog from googling that.

Grandma panties must sniff.

There, I just helped you out.